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Busy times

As always I get lost in busy times. Chaos always seem to complete surround me and take me out of routine. I know that's what chaos is, but somehow it's like I'm not even here anymore. I am not me anymore.

Well chaos is still here as it always will be, but somehow it became more manageable and I'm back. I'm getting more energy and looking forward to get back into my always crazy busy not so organized routine.

And with it, I hope to finally be able to keep a regularly updated blog.

I hope you will have the patience to enjoy this ride with me.

Thanks!
Sandra

Utopia…


By Sandra de Haan

Sunbeams are trying to break through the thick, dark, animal shaped clouds. A weak string of light tries to brighten up the street. Every now and then, when the clouds open up a little, the sun moves right in there and takes over, for just one minute, after which the clouds take control again and ban the sun from the ever lively Broadway. The people on the street are not aware of this continuous, life-or-death struggle between the sun and the hardheaded clouds. Their usual hastiness distracts them from everything that’s going on around them. Even the crippled pigeon that is staggering on the sidewalk is not capable to attract their attention.
In between all these inattentive people, a little boy is playing at marbles. His red marble bounces high into the sky. The boy follows it with his eyes, but then gets blinded by a sunbeam that has wormed its way through the heavy cloudiness of the sky. For a second the sun shines like it’s the last change she’ll get and the boy has to turn his head away. When the clouds conquer the sun, the boy is trying to locate his big marble. After a few seconds of staring, he sees it bouncing it’s way to the kerb. He swiftly runs after it and catches it right before it bounces onto the road.
With his fist tight around his little treasure the boy is ready to continue his way.
“Ethan? Ethan where are you?”
Ethan looks up as he hears his mother’s worried voice.
“Mom?”
“Ethan! There you are!” His mother grabs him by his forearm and pulls him away from the kerb. She puts her cellphone to her ear and continues the conversation she was having.
“Mom? Can we get some ice-cream?” Nothing.
“Mom?” Nothing. “Mohom!”
Irritated by Ethan’s annoying nagging, his mom turns around holding one hand over the speaker of her cellphone.
“Not now! Can’t you see I’m on the phone?”
“But…”
“Not now!”
Ethan’s mother is already talking to the phone again. A flash of anger rules his facial expression. He can’t stand it when his mother is like this. Only thinking about her business. Worried she won’t make enough money. Worried she’ll never have enough, while they’re already loaded. She never has any time for him. At least not like other mommies have, like the mothers of his friends.
A sudden fury makes Ethan throw his marble as hard as he can. It bounces higher than ever before. It almost seems to overleap the Empire State Building as if to show off and display an unearthly strength and the power and the spunk to violate the laws of gravity. When looking the second highest building in Manhattan in the eye, the bouncing marble seems to be just hanging in the air. The dragon and the elephant that are still blocking the sun, are amused by its perty behavior. Ethan pauses to look at his bouncing ball, which seems to take hours to return to the street where its owner is just patiently awaiting its return. Then the ball starts spinning in its high and free position and seems hesitant to give up its newly acquired freedom.
As Ethan is still intrigued by his flying marble, the spinning of the bouncing ball is slowing and eventually comes to a halt. The marble now comes falling straight down to the street. Ethan wakes up out of his daydream and catches his marble. A sense of mystery invades Ethan’s mind. Hypnotized by the unusual behavior of his red plaything, Ethan raises his hand, grasping the big marble, and again, in slow motion, throws his bouncing ball against the paving stones of the longest street in New York City. The marble bounces once more high into the by freaky animals inhabited and continuously changing sky. The well-known skyscrapers of Manhattan try to grab the marble, but it keeps just out of their reach. By the renewed strength of gravity the marble is time bound to return to the everyday reality. Or is it?
Then, suddenly and without any previous warning, the marble bounces against a street light and pursues its way down in a different angle. Ethan is woken up by this unexpected interruption. The bouncing ball now crosses the crowded road. It bounces between the yellow taxis and the occasional car. Ethan soon loses sight of it. He stands at the corner of the street and tries to locate his toy, which shouldn’t be too hard considering its color. But the marble seems disappeared. Maybe it has finally found its way out. A second later, as if from nowhere, the ball pops up from in between two stationary cars, waiting for the green light. Ethan, happy to discover his little treasure, leaves the sidewalk to run after his marble, which is proceeding its way to the other side of Broadway.
When Ethan arrives at the far side of the road, his marble has once again disappeared. Panicky Ethan starts looking for his bouncing ball. In the corner of his eye, he sees a movement. As he turns his head, he can just see a red dot disappearing into the gutter of the Broadway sidewalk. A muffled ‘no’ escapes Ethan’s lips. He runs to the grid that separates the gutter from the street. He falls down on his knees and tries to see where his marble has gone. Nothing. Only infinite darkness which obviously is not going to release the sight of anything from its tight grip. Not even Ethan’s little, red treasure. Ethan wrenches his hand through the grid. Slowly his arm follows. Ethan tries to get hold of his marble. Again, nothing. Where did it go?
Inside of the drain hole, the marble is lying, waiting for someone or something to make it bounce. Without a visible source the ball starts rolling further down the sewer. Gradually the dark, dirty and muddy space alters into a carefully decorated accommodation. The place is furnished with red velvet carpets and drapes. Even the walls are covered with the same velvet cloth, although in royal purple. The marble stands out because of its color. The walls are full of portraits of troll-like creatures. They all look old but that’s probably because they also all look like they’re the one and the same. They’ve all got ears that are too big for their heads and noses that show nothing more than the nostrils. They’ve got long stringy hair that covers almost their entire head and which dances around their head like it’s alive. Come to think of it, taking a closer look at the pictures they seem to be looking directly into the room as if their watching everything that happens around them… Like the intrusion of the shiny red marble.
Ethan is still trying to squeeze his arm in as far as he can. The people passing him don’t notice him or are just plainly ignoring him. You never know what’s to come if you interfere with other people’s business here in the center of New York City. Somebody might stab you. Then, all of a sudden a car honks. Ethan’s heart almost jumps as high as his marble did before. He crawls closer to the grid. He doesn’t want a car to run over him. As he looks up he sees that the honk wasn’t meant for his ears. Further down the street a traffic jam is raising the irritation of the car drivers who are now all honking. Ethan’s attention is drawn away from this commotion by his marble. He’s sure it’s still there. He can almost feel it. But why can’t he find it?
The figures in the portraits on the pink wall are all looking to their right. “But mother…” The voice of what seems to be a young boy, comes from that same direction.
“No. I told you once and I’m gonna tell you twice. No running in the house!”
“Okay mother. No running in the house.”
A little creature, which looks identical to the faces in the frames, comes strolling into the red and purple room with a pouting expression on his face. The portraits on the wall, which probably are some kind of relatives, follow the little, judging from its voice, male creature, with their eyes. He’s about two human hands tall and is dragging his feet over the deep-pile carpet and while doing that, he kicks the red marble out of his hiding place. The little boy is startled by this sudden emergence. He flinches, but keeps his eye on this strange round red thing. After a while the boy dares to have a closer look at the strange object that seems to have grown out of the carpet. When he stands just in front of it, he benches over and tries to make out what it is. He can’t figure it out. It’s just lying there. He becomes more confident by the stillness of the ball and touches it with his foot. Nothing. Then he gives it a little kick. The marble starts rolling, but is quickly slowed down by the deep-pile carpet. The boy flinches again and while doing that he stumbles over his own foot.
“Xjajos, what are you doing? Did I not tell you not to run in the house?”
“Yes mother you did, but I was not running. I just tripled.”
“Doing what? Running?”
Xjajos mumbles an answer. The strange round thing draws his attention again and he forgets all about his mother. The ball is no longer moving and hasn’t been for minutes now. Xjajos gives the ball another kick and watches it move, without flinching this time. The marble comes to a stop and again Xjajos kicks it. He begins to like it. After the ball lies still, Xjajos picks it up, with both hands, from the floor and throws it. The marble bounces off the floor against the wall and back to the floor. Xjajos ducks to the floor and puts his arms over his head. From below his arms he watches the red round thing that is now bouncing around. As he notices that there’s no danger to the movement of the ball, Xjajos rises to his feet. He catches the marble and holds it before his eyes. He can’t see what makes it bounce. After examining it Xjajos bounces it against the floor. Immediately the marble bounces against every wall, floor and ceiling. The portrayed faces can’t keep up with the balls speedy movements, with its constant changing of directions. With its jumping up and down. Xjajos, however, is fascinated by the flexibility of the movements of this tiny red, round, whimsical nut shaped thingy. Xjajos smiles. He is over the moon with his new found treasure.
A strange sound interrupts Xjajos’ dreamlike state. He turns his head. Where does it come from? What is it made by? It seems to come from outside. While listening attentively, a sense of doom and foreboding comes over Xjajos. This is not good. Something bad is about to happen. Is the red ball causing it? Another sound makes Xjajos shiver with fear. Listening, intently this time, Xjajos hopes that the thing making this noise will pass by. Leaving him unharmed and in possession of his magical discovery.
Ethan is still trying to fish his marble out of the gutter. He is talking to himself. Some people are now watching Ethan while passing by. But Ethan does not notice it. He is busy finding his marble. Ethan wrenches his shoulder through the grid. He should be able to get in there just a little bit more.
Xjajos shuffles closer to the noise. He hides his red treasure behind his back. No one is taking that away from him. No one. Listening to this unknown sound, Xjajos follows it to its source. Leaving the red and purple furnished room behind and entering the cold, dirty, muddy sewer, Xjajos makes his way up guardedly. As he approaches the sewer drain he sees something enormous moving through the darkness. Xjajos has never seen something like that before. He stands with his back against the sewer pipe and watches the thing that seems to be searching their front step. Xjajos’ heart starts thumping in his throat as he realizes that the thing is probably seeking his newfound treasure.
Tears fill Ethan’s eyes. It is gone. His big marble is lost. Lost in the sewer of New York City. In probably one of the largest sewer systems in this part of the world. Most likely his marble is bouncing somewhere around beneath Times Square. He’ll never find it. It is hopeless. Ethan starts sobbing, his hand lifelessly hanging in the gutter.
Xjajos takes courage and creeps closer to the enormous, alien subject. It’s now just lying there. Xjajos takes a closer look and notices that the thing is much alike his own hands. Except that there are five tentacles instead of just three like any normal being would have. As he approaches it, all of sudden it comes to life.
Ethan is pulling his arm out of the grid and sits up straight. He sighs. After a few seconds he bents over and tries to look inside the sewer. Nothing but boundless darkness. When Ethan looks up, the clouds are trying to tell him that there is no use in searching. It’s lost. Forever. Ethan’s sobbing now changes into crying.
Xjajos flinches when the hand-like thing is pulled out of the sewer. When everything stays quiet, Xjajos climbs to the grid and tries to see what the arm was attached to. Outside a huge pile of flesh with cloth on it sits on its knees and makes a crying sound. Then it moves and before Xjajos realizes what’s happening, a big eye looks through the grid down the sewer. As quickly as he can, Xjajos hides in the darker part of the gutter. He loses the grip on the marble that falls down the drain again. The sound made by the enormous figure is somewhat familiar to Xjajos. Suddenly he understands what’s going on. This being is crying for its red thing. His red treasure.
Xjajos hears the being sobbing and hasn’t think long before he knows what he’s supposed to do. As fast as he can, he runs down looking for the red ball. When he finds it, he grabs it and runs back up. For a moment it looks like the being has disappeared, but listening more attentively, Xjajos can still hear it sobbing. Cautiously, Xjajos peers between the piles of the grid. It’s obviously sitting somewhere as Xjajos can only see its legs hanging before the exit of the sewer. Xjajos holds the ball before his face. He’s going to miss it. It is fun playing with it. A big sob interrupts Xjajos’ thinking.
“Yeah, yeah. I know what to do.”
Xjajos sticks his head out of the grid. He looks at the ball once more and throws it softly against the white leather paws of the creature.
Ethan feels a soft bump against his Nikes. He looks down and sees his marble lying there, next to his foot. Ethan can’t believe his eyes. How is this possible? He picks up his marble and examines it. It’s his all right. Strange. For a second Ethan doesn’t know what do. Then, all of a sudden, a strong hand takes him by the arm and pulls him of the kerb. As he looks up, he sees his mother’s worried face.
“Where were you? I’ve been looking all over town.”
“I…”
“Why did you wander off? You know what can happen to you, don’t you? I can’t baby-sit you all the time, you know. I’ve got things to take care off.”
“But mom, I lost my marble.”
“We’ll just get you another.”
“But…”, Ethan holds up his marble, but his mother is already taking him by the arm, away from the kerb. Ethan looks over his shoulder to the grid. Something is moving between the piles of the grid. He can’t see what it is, but something is definitely moving. Then it disappears.
Xjajos runs down the sewer. He turns right at the next crossing and climbs up to the grid. He looks through it and sees the creature dragged away by a bigger creature that is probably a parent. His mother also behaves like that when he’s done something wrong.
Ethan, still dragged along by his mother, keeps his eyes on the gutter. He could have sworn that he saw something moving in the next grid to. He unlashes himself from his mother’s grip. His mother turns around with an angry look on her face.
“I can walk by myself”, is Ethan’s insolent reply.
His mother shrugs her shoulder and walks on. A movement in the grid catches Ethan’s attention. Ethan takes another look at his marble. While taking a closer look he can just see two handprints on it. He looks from the ball to the grid and back to the ball again. No it can’t. It’s just not possible. Ethan stands still. He’s stunned. The handprints are definitely not his. They’re too small. And it shows only three fingers.
Xjajos wonders why the creature stops walking. Has he seen him? He hopes not. His mother’s going to be so angry with him. She always warned him about the outside world. It’s a bad place, she always says. To him it seems like some paradise. They’ve got nice jumping things there. He fantasizes about other magical playthings. A tear trickles down his cheek. He already misses his treasure. He’s kind of feeling sorry he gave it back, but it was not his to keep.
Ethan throws his marble to the grid where he saw the movement. Some kind of unconscious force made him do that and he instantly regrets his action. Now it’s lost again.
Xjajos sees the red nut coming straight towards him. His instinct tells him to tun away, but his desire for the red jumper is too strong. He catches it when it enters the sewer. He lifts it with both his hands and makes it bounce towards the creature outside.
Ethan sees his marble bouncing back to him. He catches it. He is stunned.
“Ethan what did I tell you! I don’t have time for your games. I have an important appointment in fifteen minutes.” Again, his mother grabs his arm and leads him to the kerb. She calls a cab and pushes Ethan inside. She follows him and the cab drives away.
With sadness in his eyes, Xjajos watches the creature leave in an even bigger creature with round feet. He decides to explore this world wen he’s grown up and his mother no longer can tell him what to do and what not to do. It has risen his curiosity that has to be redeemed.
Through the window of the cab, Ethan tries to find the grid where he saw the movement. He knows for sure that he saw something moving. Something is living in the sewer system of New York. And it isn’t rats or mice or something. He takes another look at his marble and decides to find out what it is living in, what seems to him, the biggest playground in New York City.
In the meanwhile the giant, Bigfoot and the monster of Lochness disappeared into their hideouts. The sun is heating the cold attitudes of the hurried passers-by on Broadway, without result anyway. Nevertheless, the sun does have a heating effect on the city itself. Xjajos still watching the cab is blinded by one of its bright beams and turns away. Another beam hits the window that Ethan was looking through. He to has to look away. The cab is driving up Times Square and honking to passers-by who neglect the red light and cross the street.

Lost within myself

When I look at my own reflection
it seems that I am no longer there
along the way I probably got lost
and stayed hidden in a place, somewhere
I feel safe and can defend myself
against the pain and cruelty
that threaten me on every day
and almost take away my sanity
I must learn to face the world
with all it's threatening fears
and believe in the strength within myself
although it's hard to hear
my inner voice that cries out loud
and says I've got to change
before I will be forever lost
in a world that to me is strange


Amsterdam, december 2003

Sadness

In the deafening quietness of the soothing night
A harsh sound arose from the obscure depths
Of the ever mysterious sea
A giant, invulnerable with all it's might,
Grazed his killer for one fatal second,
Like Achilles and his heel
Causing water to invade
Like an uninvited, obstinate enemy

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
From this faith unbearable to each
Desperate cries filled the empty night
With fright as far as hearing could reach

*It was as though listening
To the keening of baby birds
Which have fallen from their comforting nests
And are calling across the hopeless distance
To the warmth and safety
They have, from this day forever lost*

Without hesitation the Titan sought
It's way to the Hades with persistence
And left nothing but inconsolable fear
To remember it's much praised existence

Hovering between immense fear and tiny hope
Watching the greedy sea swallowing this world
Of yearning bodies in despair
Disappearing in the slowly descending slope
Leaving nothing but a vast expanse of nothingness
And with it
Taking a piece of the sun
Out of the world
Forever...



Amsterdam, 11th September 1998


The part between the *'s is taken from the grand novel Otherland by Tad Williams. That little piece inspired me to write this poem, so I wanted to pay tribute by including it.

The Ocean 2

The world is more water than anything else
More ocean than anything else
Even humans are more water than anything else
more fluid than anything else
Ocean water runs through the world
and makes life grow all around
so how bad is it that the ocean is getting polluted?

The Ocean

In the ocean far away float all my hopes and dreams
I can see them dancing around all happily
But they're still way beyond my reach
I wish, O I wish they would come to me